In Defense of the Pillow Princess

Author’s note: this essay was originally written in 2022

Bottoms, culturally, get shit on a lot for being lazy in the realm of sex dynamics. Frankly, I would like to task anyone who dismisses bottoming as the easy way out in sex or kink with asking any fisting, rope, wax, or impact bottom to describe the prep and post work they do after a scene and then see if they find bottoming "easy" or "lazy." But honestly, that's besides my point, because why the hell, even in the realm of sex and kink are we assigning a moral value to roles based on how hard we think someone works doing them? 

Not everything in our life has to be about expending energy to prove that we care about something, good goddamn.

Which brings me to the most maligned of bottoms, the Pillow Princess. Look at them, languid, sprawled out over the sheets like a deity awaiting the offering of their lovers' touch, the way they take all that's given to them and still croon for more, more, more, how they don't even lift a finger, letting their lover guide the whole affair. What indulgence. What hedonism. What selfishness. 

Sorry, did all the envy leaking between those lines turn your screen green? My bad.

Because that's the thing, whenever I witness someone making a dig at bottoming, I can't help but notice a little flash of green lying beneath their words. Socially, we've constructed a narrative that bottoming is no work, all pleasure, that bottoms just get to lie back and soak up all the attention. And while that isn't true, in a world where we're constantly made to earn our pleasures, of all kinds, that perception makes bottoming a position of envy and criticism alike. We’re particularly critical if the bottom in question defies our social expectations of who is worthy of devotional attention. That is to say, we may be snide towards the thin, white, abled bottom, but we don’t act like they’re getting away with something the way we do when a fat, disabled, person of color gets to be the center of attention and care. We’ve gotten things so twisted in our world that pleasure and tenderness have warped into something that’s either a privilege awarded with power or something we must sweat for.

Who dares think they've earned the right to pleasure? To all that delicious attention? To tenderness? How dare? 

Here's the thing, you have earned the right to all that pleasure, we all have. Because we as a species were made to feel good, to be loving, and indulgent, and lie in soft sunny patches and eat fruits and tell stories and laugh and play. We've just gotten wildly off track, strayed into a place where all that good shit is tucked up in a space called "leisure time/luxury" and doled out in measured doses that vary with the amount of privilege you move through life with. If you're seen as taking more pleasure than you should be systemically allotted? Thief! Lazy! Hell you don't even need to access pleasure to be accused of these things, you can just access basic needs and be suspected of the above. 

Look at the racist, predominantly anti-Black, phantom that is the welfare queen and how her spectral image is used to restrict access to food stamps and Medicaid here in the United States. Skim news articles centered around workers' rights, the economy, or money and note how the folks demanding better conditions or wages are framed as entitled layabouts. These racist, classist, xenophobic ghosts and pointing fingers are used here in the US to justify why we can't have better government services, higher wages, student loan forgiveness, or gods forbid anything like universal basic income. If we had all that, people might spend less time working and more time frolicking in fields. The wrong kinds of people that is, horror, gasps, pearl clutching. Pleasure must remain a carrot dangled over people's heads to keep them working or else our white supremacist, capitalist society will crumble beneath us!

But, I digress, back to the pillow princess, who like the welfare queen is given a feminine and royal title. Interesting. Almost like we're trying to imply people who occupy these roles are assuming a noble power/status that they have not earned and should be shamed for. Hm. Almost like the shitty structural dynamics that shape our world do not cease to exist the second we shut the bedroom or dungeon door or something. Weird.

Once again, next time you're browsing erotica, fetlife, kink blogs, sex forums, or at a munch and the phrase "pillow princess" or the subject of bottoming comes up, I ask you to note context clues around the subject. Is bottoming gendered? Where are bottoms presumed to sit in terms of masc or femme expression? How are bottoms framed status wise? What actions fall in the bottoming category vs the topping category? Are those actions reduced down to “penetrated” vs “penetrating” or is it “acted upon” vs “acting upon”? Are bottom and top assumed to be attached to submissive and Dominant respectively, or can a bottom dom and a top submit? Are bottom and top fixed identities or fluid roles people can switch between? 

Now, for an example of how identities can be stacked to suddenly flip someone out of this realm of scrutiny: how often have you seen a cis, traditionally masc and straight man, called a pillow princess when he sits back and lets his partner suck his dick then ride him? Is he not bottoming? Is he not lying back and receiving pleasure? Does being the penetrating person cement him in the top role even when he is receiving action and therefore lift him out of range of bottoming criticism?

Now, to muddy the narrative here, how often have you heard the same man describe aforementioned blowjob and riding experience in ways that center him as a recipient of tenderness, love, and care? How often has said man hesitated to confess being shown sexual tenderness, as if it’s a shameful confession? 

Who among us has not at some point in time yearned to be lavished with affection, praise, tenderness, and care? Find me the person who would say “Nah, I’m good” when freely offered attention in their ideal format–sexual or otherwise. I’d love to get their perspective. 

We all sometimes want to be the center of attention, without feeling the stress or obligation to immediately reflect attention back. 

Pleasure is not inherently transactional. We can negotiate and agree upon specific instances of transactionality, but “You work me over, then I work you over” does not have to be the default foundation of our sexual lives. What happens if we give ourselves permission to let go of performing, of action as the only form of giving, and find out what it feels like to ask without holding back and receive? What happens if we ask without reservation and let our lovers decide what they want to give us and how much? How might we be transformed, if we recognize that receiving is not passive, but an active opening of ourselves?

You are not a horrid, greedy little slut for desiring attention—unless you’re into that of course, then go head. 

Questions:

What messages were you taught around wanting and asking for attention? Who were you taught could ask for attention and care? What circumstances were acceptable to want attention in and when was it considered bad? Which people were looked down on for seeking care? What words were used to describe them? How did these messages impact the ways you seek attention from others? How did these messages shape the ways you respond to others wanting your attention? 

What care do you dream about, when you give your mind permission to wander?If someone freely offered you affection and care in any form you wanted, what would you ask for? How would you want them to desire you? Where do you want to be touched, and how? Do you crave gentleness or intensity? How often do your desires shift around this? Who do you crave this attention from? A single person, a group, loved ones, or strangers? Are there moments in your life where these desires feel louder? What might these wants be telling you about your own needs? Where in your life can you ask for more pleasure?